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Look for the good and you will find more

Last week, I talked about how much more difficult it is swimming upstream rather than just letting the Lord lead you. This week I’d like to give you some perspective in re-framing how you look at things.

Have you ever played that game where you look for red cars and you suddenly noticed red cars all over the place? Or have you ever bought a new car and then noticed them all over the road? God created us with certain filters so that our senses don’t get overwhelmed. We filter out so much that we never notice because, if we did notice everything around us, we’d never be able to concentrate on anything. That works FOR us in this case, but it does work AGAINST us in others.

If you are having a bad day, or a bad year, you are more apt to get negative and see a negative spin on everything–even when there isn’t one. I once posted an adorable picture of a puppy. Most people said how cute it was. One person said it was horrible of me to post it because her cousin, twice removed, was once bitten by a dog in Cleveland.

There’s always a tendency to be a Negative Nelly when we are struggling. It’s normal to do that for a short time. What’s not normal (or helpful) is to live in Negative Nellyland. If you see that you didn’t naturally leave Nellyland, here’s what you can do to guide yourself out. I know because I’ve been on this road myself.

It sounds too simple, but it actually works if you work at it. Look for the good and you’ll find more of it. It’s not hard, it just takes practice. Look for good in all bad experiences: what you can learn from it, how much God has helped you, how blessed you are… and you will find it more and more. Then watch our Lord work and see how much more joy you have!

I remember some stories from Sept 11th about how something went wrong and they couldn’t get to work that day…in the twin towers! Or they were late and missed being there when the plane hit. Some of those stories were frustrating until you saw the bigger picture. The one God sees.

Having a baby is one of the most painful things. Know how we get through it? We know we get our CHILD at the end. The pain is worth it. No pain is worth it if we don’t see the value either in it or that comes from it.

Look back to some of worst things that happened in your life. What can you honestly say you learned from that? What can you say you gained because of it? Just as I have gained my life due to my husband losing his job for racist reasons, you can probably find SOMEthing you gained from the difficulties you’ve had or are having. One of them is probably experience that can help someone else!

Check back next week for a little pep talk I’m sure you’ll benefit from!

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Dealing with Polly Positive Part two

Last week, I talked about why it’s impossible to be Polly Positive all the time and that it’s normal and even healthy to be negative at times. It’s normal to allow yourself time to be sad or angry, just don’t move there permanently.

Knowing this and doing it are two different things though because you have to learn to respond to Polly in one way or another. So, what is the best way to respond to Polly Positive when she strikes? How you choose to respond is going to be different depending upon your personality, your mood, and what was said, but I do have some ideas. It’s best to have a few options in mind for when brain fog or anger sets in. Here are a few ideas for you.

My best advice for times when something is said in passing or it’s someone new is to ignore. Silence is a great option because it requires little effort. It also doesn’t require any thought on your part and is a fairly quick resolution. I let the other person think what they want as long as I don’t need to expend any effort. This is my go-to option for when I’m tired, frustrated, or don’t really care what the other person thinks of me because I’m probably never going to see them again anyway.

Method number two is to gently remind. If I have more time, Polly is really pushing the issue, or she’s doing it in front of friends who are of the same opinion that it’s possible to be positive every moment of your life no matter what. “Everyone gets frustrated (or angry or down or sad) once in a while.” is a great response because most people would have to agree. “I just need to vent.” is another great one because most have felt this way too. “It’s not being negative to feel down once in a while; it’s only negative if you live there.” is another great one. Find something you feel comfortable with and have that at the ready just in case you happen upon Polly at some point.

Sometimes this can lead to a more lengthy discussion of what negative really means and if you’ve got the time and inclination to get into this discussion, by all means, do! However, there are times when it’s too taxing to get into it, especially if the one you’re talking to is just not willing to listen. It’s in these situations that I say something like, “If you dealt with all of the issues I have to, you might feel differently, but I just don’t have the energy to discuss it with you right now.”

Whenever I see a person who is unwilling to listen to reason, I deem that person toxic to my well being and I walk away from the situation or the person for a while or for good. This is an extreme situation and I don’t find this often, but it is an option you have. You should never feel that you need to put up with the stress of someone who is constantly berating you for not living up to whatever perfection they require. I haven’t had to use this technique too often, but I give myself permission to do so, if necessary.

My only caveat here is if that toxic person is a close relative or lives in your home. If that is the case, I suggest you ask them to put themselves in your shoes and/or have them go with you to your doctor’s appointment and have your doctor explain it to them.

*I do understand that there are still some doctors who don’t believe their patients. If that is the case, my prayers are with you.

What are things Polly has said to you that were unhelpful? How did you respond? How would you wish you had responded? How can that help you in the future?

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Dealing with Polly Positive Part One

The holidays are a time for getting together with friends and family. Many’s the awkward discussion I’ve had when I’ve been asked questions for which there was no acceptable answer.

So many well-meaning friends will tell you to just be positive, don’t speak negative into your life, and don’t complain. I’ve not found this helpful or biblical or sustainable or…healthy. While it is true that what we focus on we bring to our lives, nobody is able to be Polly Positive all the time and trying to do so leaves you frustrated, dejected, and that’s not very positive, is it?

What happens to you when you try to be Polly all the time? You see yourself as a failure because you can’t. You see more negative because it’s a knee-jerk, resentful reaction to Polly Positive’s comments. You begin to one up because you have a need to prove you have the right to be sad or angry. And you do!

You have every right to feel the way you feel. Chronic conditions are so frustrating and depressing because they are…wait for it…CHRONIC! It’s so much easier to deal with things when you know they’ll likely end in a while. I remember feeling awful when I had the flu for a few weeks, but I don’t recall feeling disillusioned with life. I knew that I just needed to wait a few more days or a week and I’d feel better.

Wanna know something else? Allowing yourself to be Negative Nelly and vent for a while, actually helps you to pick yourself up to Polly’s happiness level. Falling down isn’t fatal if you can find a way to pick yourself back up. Allowing yourself a time of grieving your loss of a healthy life isn’t fatal unless you live there and don’t let Polly tell you otherwise! I’d be willing to bet she’s had some negative moments she’s not talking about.

Next week I’ll share how you can answer Polly Positive.

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Sometimes You Need a Pity Party

cry baby partyI don’t think you’d be human if you were sunshine and roses every day, especially in the face of chronic struggles and hardships.  However, some will tell you-you’re not a good Christian if you share that you are depressed or upset or frustrated.  It’s not like the Lord doesn’t know you feel this way. It hasn’t escaped His notice.  It’s not a sin to be angry or sad or frustrated with your situation.  It’s only destructive if you stay there.  It can actually be quite therapeutic to throw yourself a little pity party now and again.

I think the only people who don’t ever go down deep in the valley of despair are those who don’t have any problems. Know any people without any problems?  Me neither!

So when you are exhausted just after getting up in the morning, you go looking for your sandwich in the closet, your electric bill is past due and you have only two nickels to rub together…AGAIN, you will enter that valley.  What you do there and how long you stay will determine your quality of life and the joy you find in spite of it all.

The value of a pity party:

Allow yourself time to grieve and/or express your negative emotions so you can move on.  Without a pity party, some find it difficult to gather the strength to move on to life’s next chronic hurdle because they haven’t dealt with the previous one.  Making time to express your anger, sadness or frustration can help you get rid of those feelings.

What to do at your pity party:

Invite people to your pity party.  You don’t have to send out formal invitations or anything, but fellowship with one or two trusted, Christian friends or family members who understand what it feels like to deal with the issues you are struggling with.  They will not only understand and allow you to vent but lead you back out of the valley of despair and back to the Lord.  They can help by validating your feelings so you aren’t concentrating your energy on justifying why you feel the way you do.  You have a right to your feelings.  You don’t have to marry them, but you have a right to them as you come by them honestly.

Play Woe is Me.  Express how you feel and allow that trusted friend or family member to see the real you–even if it isn’t pretty right now.  It’s your party and you’ll cry if you want to so…cry if you want to!  You’ll feel better afterward.

Allow friends or family to lift you up.  I know.  It’s frustrating to make one single statement and have well-meaning Christians immediately jump all over you about not being positive and tell you just to cheer up.  But once you’ve had a good cry (or scream as the case may be), you need to be lifted up out of the valley or you’ll be tempted to stay there.  And trust me, pity parties are a nice place to visit, but you don’t want to live there!  Your friends want to help.  Let them.

What to do after your pity party:

Have some FUN!  Here are a few ideas.  Go for a walk, see the beauty God put on this earth.  See the humor in your situation and poke fun at yourself. Lift someone else’s spirits.  Make someone laugh.  Concentrate on someone else’s problems for a while and try to help.  It’s amazing how focusing on others will draw you out of the pit you’ve fallen into.  Write about it.  Sing about it.  Hug your blessings…better known as your children.  Hug someone else’s children.  LOL

Pray.  Pray that God would take this from you and, if God doesn’t take the struggle away, pray that He would use it, your experience and you to lift someone else up.

Lastly, thank God.  Thank the good Lord for the good things in your life.  Count your blessings.  You have some!  Even in the lowest pit of despair, you have some blessings you can count.  If your dishwasher broke and you can’t afford to fix it, you can thank God your water bill is paid this month and you can afford dish liquid.  If you are so tired you can’t get up out of bed, thank Him for the bed you have.  If your pain level is high, thank Him for the life you have and the chance you have today to perhaps find your answers. Maybe you’ll discover something that helps you.  Maybe you’ll discover a $20 bill in the couch that will pay for a few groceries.  I know, I’ve looked there a time or two as well!

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.  We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed”—  2 Corinthians 4:7-9

I pray this has been helpful and uplifting. Please leave me some feedback in a comment.  Share your story.  Tell me what you’d like to see in the coming weeks as I share.  And please pass this post along to others who may need to start planning their own pity party.  😀

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